We Feel Like We're Losing Our Son
When Noah’s parents contacted me, they were overwhelmed.
Noah was 14 and autistic, and his only interest seemed to be for screen time.
He had been refusing to participate in family activities. His grades were getting worse, in spite of his parents spending an incredible amount of time supporting him with his homework.
Whenever his parents set limits, he pushed back. Arguments were constant, and he had meltdowns at least 3 times a week.
His parents felt they were losing him. Some of these challenges were typical of what many teens go through, but autism made things a lot more complex.
How Do We Get There?
Noah’s parents were very clear on the goals they wanted to work on.
They wanted Noah to:
1. Spend less time on screens
2. Engage more with the family
3. Be more invested in homework.
They craved quality time and less conflict. They just didn’t know how to make it happen. They weren’t sure it was even possible.
Finally A Positive Shift
After 3 months of working together, Noah’s parents implemented a new plan for screen time that Noah agreed to, which was very important.
Homework became easier. Noah started showing more ownership of what he needed to do. He became willing to participate in family meetings on Sundays where everyone shared their wins and challenges.
He was showing more interest in family activities. Arguments and the meltdowns decreased. His parents saw their relationship with Noah improve. They felt they could breathe again. They were no longer in fight or flight all the time.
What Helped?
We first had to understand what was truly going on. We used Noah's behavior as data to understand what were the contributing factors.
In the same way that his parents felt stuck, Noah felt stuck. He resented his parents’ help with homework but he knew he couldn’t succeed on his own.
He wanted to be more independent but felt incompetent. I suspected that his time on screens was a way to cope with his anxiety and resentment. Even though it wasn’t very effective, he was using screen time to self regulate.
We developed a sustainable screen time plan with a specific schedule. The key was to include Noah in the process and help him find different outlets to self regulate, like riding his bike, shooting hoops, and taking his dog for walks.
Noah struggled expressing his emotions, which led to blowing up, isolating, or shutting down. I knew we had to find ways to help him in this area.
To address this challenge, his parents learned to reframe their expectations and focus more on what Noah needed to succeed in that moment.
They learned to validate his emotions and express their own emotions differently. They also realized they had a lot of anxiety about Noah’s grades which was adding pressure on Noah.
By learning to let go and allow for some failure, Noah actually felt more empowered and became more motivated to do his homework. Instead of pushing back with homework, he started asking for help when he couldn’t figure it out on his own.
There were still challenges but he was no longer in constant fight or flight mode. He showed more interest in spending time with his parents.
3 Key Steps In This Case:
1. Understanding what was contributing to Noah’s dysregulation.
2. Empowering him by including him in problem-solving.
3. Guiding his parents to regulate their anxiety and shift some of their strategies.
The approach I used was family-centered, relationship-based, and neuro-affirming. It created no shame and it focused on building lifelong skills. It empowered both Noah and his parents.
