When Small Things Add Up
Lucas is 5 years old, full of energy, and always on the move. He also has Autism, which makes it harder for him to stay still or regulate his emotions. One day, his dad picked him up from school, and Lucas ran toward him, nearly knocking him over with excitement. When Dad asked how his day was, Lucas complained that he couldn’t play outside because it had been raining.
Dad noticed that Lucas seemed more hyper than usual and louder too. On the way home in the car, Lucas was throwing things, laughing loudly, and kicking the seat in front of him.
After a tough day at work, Dad raised his voice a little, telling Lucas to calm down, which seemed to work—but only for a few moments.
When Lucas said he was hungry, Dad reminded him that they would stop at the store to get a snack. But once inside, things went south fast.
Lucas complained the music was too loud and ran down the aisles, bumping into people and knocking things over.
He saw a toy he wanted and asked Dad to get it. Dad said no. That’s when Lucas shouted, "It’s not fair!" and had a full meltdown, throwing himself on the floor.
At that point, Dad knew they had to leave. He picked Lucas up and left the store without getting any groceries. Dad was exhausted and frustrated. Back at home, it took another 30 minutes for Lucas to fully calm down.
So, What Happened?
It would be easy to think Lucas’s meltdown was just about not getting the toy. But the toy was simply the final trigger. Throughout the day, Lucas was gradually becoming dysregulated - his nervous system was overwhelmed, and by the time they reached the store, he couldn’t cope anymore.
Meltdowns like this happen when the brain becomes so overwhelmed that it can no longer cope. Using a car engine analogy, Lucas’s regulation engine was overheating.
Several factors contributed to his dysregulation.
Understanding the Triggers
- Movement: Lucas didn’t get to play outside at recess because of the rain. For a child who thrives on movement, missing out on that important regulation time can lead to built-up energy that doesn’t have an outlet. In the car, Lucas’s throwing and kicking were signals that his body was craving movement and strong input. His nervous system was trying to cope and self regulate anyway it could, even though it didn’t work well.
- Physiological Needs: Lucas was hungry, which is another common trigger for neurodivergent kids. Hunger can quickly lead to dysregulation because their bodies are more sensitive to things like hunger, thirst, or discomfort.
- Sounds: Once at the store, Lucas complained the music was too loud. While he might usually be able to tolerate background noise, it’s much harder for him to handle extra sensory input when he’s already on edge.
By the time Lucas asked for the toy, his nervous system was in overload, and the “no” was simply the final straw.
Understanding The Regulation Framework ™
When kids like Lucas experience meltdowns, it’s important for parents to have tools to support their child’s regulation. Here’s the framework I use with my clients to help them navigate these moments and to keep learning from them.
- What contributed to your child’s dysregulation? (Triggers) In Lucas’s case, the triggers were missing out on recess, being hungry, the sensory overload from the music in the store, and the disappointment from not getting the toy. Identifying these triggers helps you understand what sets off your child’s behavior.
- What does your child need right now? (Strategies) Lucas needed movement and a snack. A quick break for physical activity before going to the store and giving him a snack earlier could have helped reduce his dysregulation.
- What did you learn about your child and about yourself? (Takeaway) Every experience offers a chance to learn more about how to support your child. Dad realized that Lucas’s behavior was not intentional, but a sign of his nervous system being overwhelmed. Dad also learned that when Lucas is already dysregulated, adding more stimulation (like going to a busy store) can lead to a meltdown.
- How can you share these insights with your child? (Empowerment) It’s important for Dad to share what he’s learning with Lucas. By talking about triggers and strategies, Lucas can begin to understand his own needs better without feeling like he did anything wrong. This can help build his self-awareness and empowers him to better manage his emotions in the future.
What Could Dad Have Done Differently?
Now that we understand what contributed to Lucas’s meltdown, what could Dad have done differently? Here are some things that may have helped:
- Prioritize Movement: When Dad realized Lucas didn’t get to play outside, he could have provided some movement input right away, like running around a bit before getting in the car. A simple movement break can make a big difference.
- Offer a Snack Sooner: Since Lucas was already hungry, giving him a snack in the car before the grocery store stop might have helped keep him better regulated.
- Delay the Grocery Store Trip: If possible, skipping the store altogether when Lucas was already showing signs of dysregulation could have helped avoid the meltdown.
A Proactive Approach to Regulation
Dad was doing his best, but it’s hard to help when you don’t fully understand what’s going on. It’s common for parents to focus on stopping the behavior rather than understanding the root causes. But once Dad understands Lucas’s triggers and how autism affects his regulation, he can begin using a more proactive approach.
Bringing Lucas into the Loop
One of the most important parts of this process is sharing these insights with Lucas. It’s crucial for him to understand why he sometimes struggles to stay calm and what helps him feel more in control. When Dad shares his thought process - explaining why he’s trying certain strategies and how they help - it models a process Lucas can eventually internalize.
As Lucas learns more about his own needs and what works for him, he’ll be empowered to handle challenges with more confidence, and advocate for himself. This understanding will help him for the rest of his life.
Key Takeaways from Lucas’s Meltdown
There were four key factors that contributed to managing Lucas's dysregulation:
- Understanding what was contributing to Lucas’s dysregulation. Missing out on recess, being hungry, and feeling overwhelmed by loud sounds in the store were major triggers. Recognizing these factors early can help avoid meltdowns.
- Identifying strategies to help him stay regulated. By giving Lucas movement breaks, offering a snack sooner, and possibly skipping the store when he’s already overstimulated, Dad could have provided the regulation Lucas needed.
- Empowering Lucas by sharing these insights. Explaining the triggers and solutions to Lucas in a way he understands will help him become more self-aware and start to take ownership of his emotions over time.
- Helping Dad regulate his own emotions and shift his approach. By focusing on understanding Lucas’s needs rather than just stopping the behavior, Dad can approach future situations with more patience and empathy, strengthening their relationship and reducing the likelihood of future meltdowns.
Final Thoughts
The approach I use is family-centered, relationship-based, and neuro-affirming. Helping your child manage dysregulation is about being patient, understanding their triggers, and trying different strategies to see what works best. It’s a learning process for both you and your child, but with the right approach, you can reduce meltdowns and help your child gain lifelong tools for managing their emotions.
